Pink is for girls and blue is for boys: Another stereotype for the bin

(Published in SheThePeople: )

Quite literally since we were born, our minds have been conditioned to absorb the many differences and stereotypes inherent in our societies today when it comes to gender.

If its a girl the room must be painted in pink, right from the onesies to the blankets to all the dresses and toys. Similarly if little Junior is on the way, his room must be painted a baby blue and wallpapers of fire trucks and cars must line the walls. If this continues, will we ever see the return of neutral colours?

I don’t yet have kids of my own but the closest kids to us (also literally as they are down the street from us) are my sister-in-laws two girls aged 7 and 3 – fast going on 17 and 13 respectively! Contrary to most young girls at that age, it isn’t barbie dolls and frilly dresses they have any interest in but rather racing cars, cricket and the colours black, red and green alternatively. In fact, the only ‘girly’ interests they have so far is in dance – ballet and bollywood to be precise. And of course, there was no escaping the ‘Frozen’ princesses stage.

Today themed birthday parties and celebrations for children have become commonplace with no holds barred on the decor and opulence at the event and no stones being left unturned to fulfil every fairytale their own princesses dream of and their little ‘Tarzans’ demand. Even today the boys will be found in a different part of the room having their own party on the side while the girls in their frocks and magic wands parade around the pink tiered cake and follow the belle of the ball around who has even been presented with a sparkling crown to set her aside from the rest. It is because of this blatant fine-tuning etched in their minds from day one that the idea of breaking away from convention and adopting hobbies and interests designed for the opposite sex only that frequently comes under the scanner today.

According to Lise Elliot, Author and Associate Professor of Neuroscience at the Chicago Medical School of Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science, these gender-specific divides have adverse effects on developmental growth and aren’t always a good idea. Limiting boys and girls to that one colour, that one hobby or toy and also particular behavior limits their thinking, purview of knowledge and eventually even ambitions. Elliot suggests an interesting counter measure – to buy toys and play things that are deemed fit for the opposite sex by society today – like Legos and building blocks for girls to enhance mathematical intellect and a pet such as a dog for boys to teach them to be more nurturing and caring like their female counterparts.

My 3-year old niece today associates smoking, alcohol, snoring and even drinking coffee with men. “Papa is having coffee because he is a boy.” Because she doesn’t see any one else in their house having coffee. Her mum has tea so tea is automatically “for girls”. They internalize everything they see and hear right from when they are toddlers.

But isn’t it time we break them away from the metaphorical moulds of pink and blue we have sculplted them into and let them choose the colours and interests they want to pursue for themselves? Yes, it is true that the ‘ pink and blue’ colour spectrum makes it easy for new parents to plan and organise their pre-natal lives in ease but why can’t the walls be painted a yellow or a green? Why not neutral? Keeping it neutral teaches a child from day one that boys can like pink too, that girls can play with blue trucks and wear trousers without being scorned or bullied in school to stay within their ‘girly limits.’

What we don’t realise is the consequences this seemingly trivial talk of colour change can have on a child’s entire developmental growth, perception of the world and behavior towards others in every stage of life. The idea of girls liking pink or only dolls and frocks gives birth to the wrongful stereotypes of women being incapable of many other tasks and skills such as excelling in math, science in school. Many teachers even today prefer to turn a blind eye to a girls contribution to an intellectually demanding subject vis a vis that of a boy. Similarly, if a boy is found playing with a doll or a pair of high heels, for example, the parents themselves will rush to pull these ‘girly’ toys away from him and thrust the G.I Joes and superhero figures towards him faster than the blink of an eye. This boy will inadvertently grow up to be scornful and condescending of girls and their ‘silly pink play things.’

Our country today hosts many such examples today of men and women and their disposition towards each other due to the very limiting fabric of the foundation on which they have been brought up. Our womensports teams – be it cricket, hockey or any other sport get barely a passing mention in tabloids and the social media chatter today whereas the colour of Virat Kohlis eyes or how quickly Dhoni coloured his salt and pepper beard becomes front page news. Why? because women aren’t supposed to play a sport. It’s not a pink barbie doll. It’s a boy’s play thing. Those who do make it to the tabloids winning accolades in their fields like Sania Mirza and Saina Nehwal work that much harder to earn that bit of respect whereas flick of the wrist and the ball over the ropes gets people talking about that male cricketer for weeks. And then theres those like Mary Kom with a passion for a purely ‘male’ sport like boxing who struggled from day 1 to get anywhere near where she is and that too a filmstar had to emulate her in a movie to really bring her in the limelight that ironically, Priyanka Chopra bagged more than the real superstar herself.

The story in the common man’s household is no different – rural or urban. Men are still being showered with more affection and importance and tasked with what they perceive as tasks within the capablities of men only while women are still pushed towards household chores and frivolous duties – even education for many rural households not an effort to be wasted on them. The problem is rooted much deeper spanning generations of poverty, lack of education and misogyny.

As Eliot observes, the most wecan really do is to try and level the field for both genders from day one. Let your daughter pick up a hockey stick. Let your son play house once in a while without rushing to ‘right’ this perceived wrong. The sooner we realise that there is no wrong in what a child wants to play with and the only wrong is our own in limiting their outreach, the sooner we see them grow into individuals who believe in the idea of equality.
Pink and blue aren’t the only colours in the spectrum. Teach them the beauty of each one.


An open letter to my 30-year old self

(Published in Times of India :

Dear 30-year- old me,

A week from now you will bid a sad goodbye to your 20s and cross the threshold into the first day of a new decade in your life.

There is always much hype around entering a new decade and leaving behind the old. Its a chance to look back at the last 10 years and reminisce about all the work done, goals met, friends made, friends lost, places travelled, things learnt and every decision, every turning point and every step taken that has brought you to this very spot with the next rung on the ladder around the corner.

But often we forget to think about the things we have learnt along the way – things we pledge to remind ourselves to not change and keep doing or do differently in the future but forget to open those reminders when the time actually comes. So here’s a list of things I have noted down for you so that you can refer to these notes as you brace yourself to embrace the new decade with its own brand of ups and downs to come.

Starting (or re-starting) a career at 30 is not a bad thing either:
Yes, you got married and then moved around so much that the airport became more of a home than your actual house. (which has also been changing a lot). And that initial fear of flying has now become a faint memory. In the process the career you set yourself up for took a hit somewhere. But something great came out of it too. You travelled so much and saw some exotic new places that you may never have been able to. Your passport pages look very impressive and you also discovered a skill you never knew you had – you can write! So you took the time to chase that new-found skill and hone it further. And you got on that yoga mat and did your mind and body a great favour too. Now you plan to join the work force again. And you will own it. Don’t forget that many successful people today changed entire careers much later on and reached where they are today. Age is just a number no matter what people may say.

Change is a good thing :
You held on to that job, that friend, that thought process like it was the holy grail and the idea of anything different was unfathomable. But you finally accepted change and took the leap. And here you are—happier and more fulfilled than ever. Change is a good thing and always will be. It’s the only thing that should be constant, as they say. So never hesitate to take that leap.

Age really is just a number:
Coming back to that, it’s true. Yes time passes us by faster than the blink of an eye but do we start doing things differently just because the number of years we have lived changes every year? No. What we do it to add to those things int he attempt to add more meaning, more experiences and try new things. By that logic we are only getting younger! Mind over matter. There is nothing you can or can’t do that needs to be checked off the age-appropriate list. Don’t let age get in the way of your dreams. They can come true now.

If you aren’t married by now, the sky will not fall:
Its our typical Indian mindset. “Beta, you are almost 30! When will you get married? All the ‘good’ boys will be taken.” Firstly, stay as far away from these nosy aunts as you possibly can. Or at least these conversations. If you find yourself cornered with nowhere to go, just say “Aunty abhi toh party shuru hui hai!” And then observe shocked reaction before making your victorious exit. On a serious note, remember that while you chose to marry a while ago, many of your friends are not as yet and are being hounded by such aunties. Remember to be there for these friends. Remember to remind them that people like to talk and always will but they need to not get bogged down by such conversations and allow themselves to take the stress. Stress gets you nowhere. There is a time and place for everything and marriage and babies fall under this category too. No one should ever be forced into the idea of marriage. Or the idea of anything for that matter. One has to arrive at these life decisions themselves.

Don’t be a ‘yes’ man (woman), you can’t please everyone :
And you shouldn’t have to. You went through the motions from being a gullible teenager transiting from school to college life and clumsily waded through the slew of heartbreaks, deception, losses, disappointments and hardships and finally crossed over to the 20s that saw you somewhat more confident but not quite. As you progressed up the 20s ladder, you learnt how to and how not to deal with people – people at home, at work, at social gatherings, friends, those who pretend to be friends and so on. You learnt to say no. You learnt that its okay to disappoint one person and please the other. The guilt is something you may not have learnt to shake off just yet but you learnt that its okay. Most importantly, you have now learnt that you have to hold your own and have your own opinions to voice. And that those opinions will hurt some people and make others proud. But you will not say yes to everyone. There’s no need to feel bad about it.

Don’t expect the world from anyone, it only hurts you:
They say those closest to you are the ones who let you down the most. But if you look closer, that’s because its those that are closest to you that you expect the world from. You expect them to drop their own lives and come running to be a part of yours as and when you please. You expect good outcomes always and hence get your heart broken when things don’t work out the way you had envisioned them. Quit the expectations altogether. Expect but don’t expect the world. As you climb the rungs of the 30s ladder, this will hit home harder than you can imagine.

Don’t let the world’s expectations of you ruffle your feathers either:
Those same annoying aunties who ask you about marriage will also be the ones to sit you down and ask you about babies. And why there isn’t a brood of little hybrids of you and your husband strutting around already. Again, smile and walk away. The inevitable pressures holds we climb into in various stages of life and also various stages in our careers take a hold on us as we struggle to fulfill someone else’s dreams and expectations of us. There is absolutely no need to trip over your own feet trying to desperately meet each and everyone’s expectations. And you need to stop caring about what others think all the time. Do what you can and what you feel is right for you. The rest of the world will just have to deal with it.

Start putting yourself first:
Continuing from point 8, its time to stop thinking only about others and look long and hard into that mirror. How can you help you first? Eat healthier, cut out the junk. Exercise regularly. Pamper yourself with that massage or pedicure frequently. You aren’t going to be a bad wife, mother or daughter if you think of investing in yourself more. Take the time to read that book that is lying neglected on the book shelf. Go watch a movie with some girlfriends during the week. The world won’t end if you do.

Have fun! 30 is the new 20!:
They used to say life begins at 40. Well I have news for you. Life began a long time ago. You are living it right now. You are young with so much to give and get in return. Don’t waste a minute of it thinking of ‘buts’ and ‘what ifs’. Try everything. leave nothing out. Be crazy but also be careful. Be more responsible but let yourself go once in a while. Make time for friends but make time for parents and grandparents too. Be kind. Love and forgive.

29-year-old me

P.S.— This is important. Don’t lose who you are and become someone else. Every day will bring new experiences. But you must remain the same.

Attention Indian dog-owners: leave these furry creatures alone

(Published in Times of India: )

The ‘don’t buy it if you can’t flaunt it’ motto that some of our big city elite live by has many an aam aadmi gasping in disbelief at the things being flaunted and paraded around the streets of cities like Delhi. Cars may take the cake but then bags, accessories, houses – the list is always long and more often than not, ludicrous.
But sadly there are some innocent, undeserving casualties of this lifestyle that bear the unfortunate brunt and are getting added to the list. Dogs. We love them, we want them, we must have them. But in our exuberant efforts to quench our animal loving thirst, some of us are ironically making choices that are doing nothing but harming certain breeds of this magnificent species – the ST. Bernard, Siberian Husky and Alaskan Malamute. As the names themselves suggest, these beautiful creatures whose ancestors hail from extremely cold climes and snow-clad environs possess skin and fur that acclimatizes only with such extremes of weather. So, it is very unfair that those humans who themselves take layers of clothing along on their trips to say Switzerland from Delhi and freeze without quilted jackets are subjecting these furry animals to the harsh extremes of the Indian summer heat. These humans who call themselves ‘dog-lovers’ are in fact not. They are elite members of the ‘own- it- to- flaunt-it’ club.
If one is a dog lover, it becomes quite ingrained that one would want the best for their pet. To give them warm, wholesome meals, protect them from harm, treat them with love and affection just like their own children. And yet the biggest harm being done to them are by these owners themselves. Multiple articles and pleas have come out in the public domain in all forms to curb the unfair practice of flying these dogs that belong in other lands and not uproot them from their natural habitats that they can not survive without and yet these poor creatures continue to be the coveted exotic breeds to show off at many a social gathering.
Experts and veterinarians have cited many examples of how such dogs that are being kept in Indian houses almost like fashion items today are developing all kinds of ailments, disorders and chronic diseases that the owners are paying little or no heed to and eventually many are mercilessly abandoned.
The St. Bernard is a working dog from the Swiss Alps that was originally bred for rescue operations. Today the same dogs need us to rescue them. I have been to a few peoples homes where I have been left appalled by the sheer dispassion with which the dog is being kept in a tiny room or backyard in the peak of summer. There are also reports of people cutting or removing the fur of these dogs altogether as a quick-fix solution the the heat. This is only harming the animal more as they need the fur to protect them from harmful ultraviolet sun rays.
The alarming rate at which wealthy dog owners are shelling out between 25 to 60 thousand rupees (or higher) to buy these dogs is beyond belief. Instead of this number starting to take a nosedive due to efforts to increase awareness about their deterirating conditions in our Indian climes, this growth rate and the figures are only rising and this is cause for concern for the ‘real’ dog lovers like us.
I have one question for those who indulge in such unfair indulgence – Would you keep your children cooped up in a room with nearly 50 degrees temperature and a thick quilted winter jacket tied firmly around them?
If you are a true dog lover you wouldn’t torture these animals either. There are plenty of other breeds to adopt or even the over-flowing stray dog shelters that are in dire need of our attention. Start there and leave the showing off for the next Merc you buy.

The bias surrounding women on top

(Published in SheThePeople.Tv : )

I watched Joanna Coles ( Editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan) on TV the other day, asking this very important question, addressing the very important issue of the stigma around powerful, successful women.
The discussion was focussed around the US presidential elections and Hilary Clinton’s recent state win over Bernie Sanders ……. But the question penetrates deeper into the global outlook rampant in our societies today.
Women in power, be it the working mother, the CEO, the international sports star or even the political leader – constantly find themselves going to trial for being the other gender and judged by a jury that consists of their male counterparts or societies that have made it their business to look down upon, question, criticise and judge the female population at their will.
A woman finds herself having to constantly rise above the din of misogynistic inferences – both subtle and blatant but never apologetic. When M/s. Coles was asked on the show about the perception of Hilary Clinton as the potential ruler of the country, she deftly maneouvered the conversation towards this important stigmatisation citing the example of Clinton. That dialogue around the former lady secretary of state as the potential first ever president of the United States was as rife with sexist undertones as it was rich in feminist votes and democratic supporters of the Clinton regime.

The story is the same for every woman in a position of power or importance. This is another good reason to read Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Lean In’. The CEO of Facebook and a great example of successful women leaders, Ms. Sandberg uses anecdotes to illustrate her points from conversations with various other eminent figures. She talks about the TV actress and producer Tina Fey who addressed the assumption that a successful working woman must not be able to juggle both work and family life and so one of the most frequently asked questions is “How do you do it all?” – a question that is never asked of a man and is inherently condescending and sexist. Another example is of the widespread media attention that was brewed when Marissa Mayer accepted her role as CEO of Yahoo while in the third trimester of her pregnancy. Stay-at-home mothers often tend to look down upon careerwomen and vice versa. These are questions and conversations that need to be turned on their head.
I have worked with a software company that caters to the oil and gas sector for 2 years. After a gap of a year and two country moves later, I now plan to re-join them. As is atypical of tech and and the energy industry, the ratio of male to female employees shows a wide gap. The general assumption is that the industry ‘isn’t for them’. In the company I worked for, while admittedly the gender gap was also large with more male employees to a fraction of the amount of female employees, it was really the collective team – the ‘people’ both male and female working in concert together towards a common goal that made this gender gap virtually inconspicuous and a non-issue. As long as the drive and passion is there to achieve a common goal, the sex of your team member should be a non-issue. And the treatment of this as a non-issue needs to start with the top management and trickle down from there.

The elephant in the room as soon as a woman enters any office that holds a pertinent level of importance is always palpable. Women, immigrants, persons of colour and the poor for example – all those who fall at the bottom of the social and political hierarchies and are afforded lesser wages will ostensibly also always be perceived with a lesser amount of seriousness and credibility in the office they hold than their more secure male counterparts. The answer lies not in going after those who condemn and criticise but going after this archaic divisiveness that keeps the lines always drawn by subjecting some parts of society to lesser means than others based on what they look like.

Attempts are being made aggressively to break the glass ceiling but the playing field in most countries remains anything but level. Lean In and McKinsey conducted a study of 118 companies and 30,000 employees that listed all the reasons why women are being held back in the work place. Researchers have arrived at the conclusion that more work-from-home and family friendly opportunities, flexibility and more opportunities for higher paying jobs can be some solutions. Marc Benioff, CEO of the cloud computing company echoed his stance on the importanceof equal pay for women by talking about Women Surge, a new initiative started by Salesforce to identify and evaluate top female talent and to make sure that every meeting, every training program and the like have equal representation for women too. Benioff pointed out that women in high positions in the company are in fact, paid more than their male counterparts, “because in the tech industry those are hard to find!” he says and so they recognised the talent and value of these employees. This further induced a countrywide reassessment of salary structures within Salesforce and they implemented the same practice across the board.
The story in India is no different. The cloud of derision that dots the work environment around the top woman leader is as thick as ever. The tide has started to turn, however slowly, but the road is a long one. Diversity and equality have become significant buzzwords that have started to open eyes and ears and garner coveted responses. But there is no need to sugarcoat and turn a blind eye to the struggles that a woman undergoes to keep both boats of work and family afloat. Indra Nooyi, Pepsico’s CEO, in an interview with Forbes in 2014 candidly laid down her belief that women, in fact, can’t have it all unless they work out the correct mechanism between both their lives – the work and the home one. “Stay at home mothering is a full time job. Being CEO for a company is three full time jobs rolled into one. How can you do justice to them all?” Unless you have the right support from both worlds. Without that support one of the ships is sinking whether you like it or not.
And the support we talk of can only be mustered when the notion of “women can’t” is dropped once and for all and the focus shifts to acknowledging all that they are doing already which is way more than a man does.
“When will it be okay for us to embrace power?” was Joanna Coles’ question.
It will become okay when the wages, job positions are equalised which will extinguish the root cause of the problem itself. It will become okay when families, friends, colleagues and bosses are supportive of the woman climbing the corporate ladder as well as managing the household without the sexist remarks and lingering aura of condescension.
And it will become okay when more men come forward to highlight the importance of treating every woman as an equal.

Why I am thrilled Bell-bottoms are making a come-back

(Published in DailyO: )

I just turned 30 a week ago. Which means I was yet to enter my teens when the flared pants or ‘bootcut’ as they are also called became a sensation in the 1990s and the trouser of choice in every household the world over.
Nonetheless, the memory of the day I wore my first pair is as fresh as if it were yesterday. My masi (mother’s sister) brought me a beautiful denim pair from America with colorful floral embroidery adorning the fabric in patches. It was nothing like I had ever owned and I couldn’t get enough of wearing them. That marked the beginning of more such bell bottom purchases in different colors and fabrics. It was the late 1990s – a time when Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell were the supermodels ruling the runways, Kurt Cobain had spearheaded the grunge look of mismatched, oversized outfits and Rachel from FRIENDS had the iconic layered haircut that every girl in that generation wanted. And, of course, the flashy British divas – the Spice girls.
The origin of this style, interestingly, dates back to the early 1900s when sailors in the American navy decided to adopt the wide legged bell-shaped cuffs at the end of their pants. Standardized uniforms did not exist as yet. As with many other fashion statements that seemed to have sprouted from the British and American Navy, these flared pants too became quite the rage and spread like wildfire among the mainstream public by the mid 1960s. Accentuating the figure by being snug at the hips and thighs and dramatically flared from the knee down, these pants began to be paired with high heels, flat shoes, crop tops, off-shoulder or even over-sized ensembles and every kind of ‘hippie’ to sophisticated style.
My favorite was always the off-shoulder look with the denim bell-bottoms. The denim jeans, the unstoppable and unrivalled rage across the globe witnesses constantly evolving fashion trends from the bell-bottoms to the lesser flared cuts, the skinny jeans, the ripped boyfriend jeans and today we are coming full circle with vintage coming back in vogue and the bell-bottoms all set for a full come-back. Fashion houses and retail stores have already started to stock up on this legendary trend in all kinds of bright colours, hues and variants of denims – giving a modern twist to the conventional boot cut styles. Another style in the stores today that has me lusting after them is the ripped flares – eclectically torn at the knees in the signature ‘ripped’ jeans fashion and then flared in the bell shape from the knee down.
The emergence of the skinny or fitted jeans that saw the end of the flared bell-bottoms around 2005-2006 was no less of a rage and had us refurbishing our wardrobes with all signs of the flared cuts forgotten at the back of our closets. But, it was the comfortable, snug yet stylishly roomy flared styles that many of us vouch for even today – the perfect mix of quirk and bohemia with comfort and a pinch of that old-school nostalgia from our days with Betty and Veronica’s fashion styles from the 70s. And the men were not to be left out either! Though they went with more of a subtle flare as compared to our edgy and bold bell-bottoms.
Everything vintage and old-school is making a comeback today and I for one am thrilled. Florals, crop tops, sunglasses, to even hem lines – its an exciting time for the fashion world and we are hooked. Today fashion is no longer prisoned in a box of convention and rules – a fusion of styles, eras and modernity is being experimented with and a blend of many decades of fashion is coming together to define fashion today. The bell-bottoms were frontrunners as game-changers between decades and their return is the best news I have heard since the ‘top knot’ hair syle inspired by Audrey Hepburn’s iconic character in ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’.
News of the come back first began to make the rounds from the American and European fashion circles and runways but here in Abu Dhabi too I am now seeing the tides turning and adopting this exciting new (and yet old) trend again. Sadly I no longer have my old floral pair that I miss dearly but it went on to find a new owner many moons ago.
But this only means I am ready to get started on some vintage retail therapy. I hope the bell-bottoms are here to stay!

The written word – keeping me sane since 2014

It was always an urge bubbling under the surface since I was a teenager graduating from Enid Blytons to the Harper Lees and Sidney Sheldons of the world.
The urge to write myself. Reading books had already become an insatiable need very early on in my life. The want, nay, need to have a book by my bedside, on that train or plane journey was consistent and I now know, will always will be.
But I always thought this bubbling urge to write would forever remain an unreachable dream as I would often open my computer screen to give it a go and then close the blank Word document fifteen minutes later.
This writers block continued for many years. And eventually I placed this dream in a crevice at the back of my mind and let it fade. Until one winter night in 2014 when the urge bubbled again and I decided to try one more time.
We were in Munich in Germany and the snow had been threatening to descend upon us any day now. A storm was brewing in the night while another one was ostensibly brewing within me. I was none the wiser until I decided I would create a blog and play around with it, though consistent lack of confidence in my writing for many years convinced me that this attempt would be no different.
But voila! The storm outside lashed out as did my words on the computer screen, almost as if in defiance to the weather outside. The words flew out and my delight knew no bounds. I had it all along! Perhaps there is some truth when people say there is a time and place for everything , however delayed it may be.
I was now on a roll and in no mood to stop. My new-found skill egged me on and I continued to churn articles and a bit of poetry to furnish my blog. New-found confidence coupled with wanting to unleash my writing to the world and hone my skills with every piece, it became m new hobby and contructive pastime.
Before I knew it I saw my pieces being published. Joyous, I knew the most important lesson here was to never give up. And to always listen to the bubbling instincts within that can call out even at 3 AM on a stormy night. The written word stays with me through good days and bad, through stress, happiness, joy, love and sadness too.
If you haven’t yet tried to pen it all down, its never too late to start. For once you start, you can never stop. It grooms the mind and transcends horizons in thinking, helping you to discover more of yourself. But most of all, it keeps you sane through the storms – both outside and within.

Dear Grandparents, Thank You for Becoming Our Whole, Wide World

(Published in The Quint: )

I remember the day like it was yesterday. The morning my Dada (paternal grandfather) breathed his last just as he put a spoonful of porridge in his mouth.

I’d been the only one with him at the time. It was 13 years ago. I was 17.

My Dada had been suffering from a disease that was acutely suggestive of Parkinson’s – but could also have been Alzheimer’s. The doctors could never arrive at a precise diagnosis. Nonetheless, they’d taken their toll on him, slowly but surely.

Dada was always my hero. I’d never met my maternal grandfather who was a brigadier in the Indian Army (he died the year I was born) – so Dada was the only grandfather I knew.

Some of my fondest memories with Dada go back to our school days when we would frequent our flat in Shimla during the summer holidays. Indulgent, intelligent and ever-enthusiastic, sporting his infectious grin, he would stride alongside our horse rides on the Mall Road. Sometimes, we’d find him lounging on his favourite lazyboy chair listening to KL Saigal – all the while singing jovially as he called to us to have a listen with him.

The Invaluable Things We Learn From a Grandparent

The bond with a grandparent is just as inexplicable as it is unbreakable.

There is so much to learn from our grandparents. Stories of their time – an era that you might otherwise find ensconced only in history books – heartwarming anecdotes. Sometimes they’ll tell you tales of an ancestral lineage you knew little or nothing about – and occasionally, hidden in their many stories, there will be a valuable life lesson. Often, there’s so much more to learn from a beloved grandparent than a parent or a teacher.

My Nanna (paternal grandmother) helped us with our Hindi and Punjabi essays in school. Not to mention extracurricular activities that involved a fair amount of knitting and sewing! But most of all, their involvement was in the daily routines of our lives – ones that are indelible childhood memories today. (The frequent night stays at my maternal grandmother’s are memories I cherish to this day.)

Little wonder that experts tell you how the more involved a grandparent is in a child’s life, the more mutually rewarding a relationship it is.

If ever I would be thankful for technology, it would be for linking my Nanna to me. Even halfway across the world, we still email each other with news and updates.

How Nanna Fought for My Dada

There’s much I have personally learnt from my Dada and Nanna.

Nanna taught me to be brave in the face of adversity. I watched as she lost her younger brother to cancer and continued to be brave. I watched also as she fought for 7 long years against the illness that was determined to snatch Dada from us. If anyone could find a way to fight and bring him back, it would be her, I believed.

She would sit at her computer for hours, tapping away, trying to find a doctor in some other land – some new medical medical information that would help turn his life around. She’d spend an hour every evening with Dada making him listen to audio tapes and then asking him to repeat the words he’d just heard to improve his coherence of speech.

She had no life of her own for 7 years. Or perhaps it was inextricably linked with my grandfather’s.

The Heroes That Are My Grandparents

For an impressionable 17-year-old, this was a lesson in life that has stayed with me…

The lesson of perseverance and never giving up.

When I was getting married, Nanna called me to her room one day in the weeks before the celebrations were to begin. She sat me down and said one powerful thing to me: “Never do or say to others what you wouldn’t want done or said to you.”

A lifetime’s worth of education in that one sentence.

As we approach her 80th birthday this year, my thoughts go back again to that sad morning of 2003 when my grandfather breathed his last. I knew there be no more KL Saigal ghazal nights, no more evening walks with stolen moments of joy with my hero.

But then I think of both my grandmothers and the heroic lives they lead even to this day. The loss of losing a grandparent is colossal at any age. It is a reminder to make more time for them and spend as much time in communicating with them as we possibly can.

For time waits for no one.